The next Subchapter I'm on is called "You Are About to
The following are signs that indicate a strong
possibility of your imminent sacking. You
have run out the clock.
• She frequently rearranges the furniture in
your home, moving even the heaviest
• You return home after a brief trip to find
her acting strange and distant.
• She is often lost in thought and wants to
take classes or get a job.
• She insists on going to the post office herself
to collect the mail.
• She no longer bothers to clean up the kitchen
or other areas of the house.
• She openly flirts with other men
She brazenly suggests that you buy her
some expensive item.
She loudly breaks wind while dining with
your parents or when sleeping with you.
She opts for late TV instead of going to bed
She is constantly with her relatives or
friends, ignoring you.
She is increasingly unavailable to do what
you want to do.
She asks, in a way suggesting approval, if
you are sleeping with anyone else.
The next subchapter I'm on is called "Suggestions for Engineering Your Own Dumping"
Leave stingy tips in restaurants.
Put locks on your telephones.
During a party she gives for you to meet her
friends, fall asleep and snore loudly.
Clad only in a jockstrap, greet her parents
at the door to her apartment.
Laugh hysterically every time you see a
Start asking her to go "dutch."
Tell her you have a metal plate in your
Purchase a life size, inflatable sex doll and
keep it in your bedroom
Introduce her using an incorrect name.
When she protests, act confused and apologize,
but do it again a week later.
Start forgetting holidays and birthdays.
When dining out formally, throw your head
back and noisily gargle your drink.
Arrive at her class reunion dressed in an
Easter Bunny suit with a large, oversized,
strap-on dildo. Leaping wildly, run through
the crowd and stick your dildo in the punch
Smelling of cheap whiskey, show up drunk
at all family events.
Start being possessive. Call her constantly;
demand to know where she's been. Hover
over her so when she dumps you, it's final.