Friday, April 9, 2010

Chivalry at Gunpoint

Thread at Happy Bachelors Forum

This can be found on page 196-198 of “The Professional Bachelor”


My best friend just got out of law school, and took a job at a prestigious local firm. The hours suck, but he’s moving up the ranks, tight with the partners, and the perks on the horizon are quite impressive. He moves quickly in life, and after 6 months in town, he hooked up and married the hottest cheerleader at the local university. He said it was love at first sight. The ceremony was at sunset in a beautiful flower garden overlooking the ocean. There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. I’ve never seen him so happy. I stopped by their house 6 months later, and they’re barely speaking. She’s demanding he quit night school, buy her a Mercedes and a bigger house he can’t afford, and she’s refusing to have sex again unless it’s to pop out a baby. He looks like he’s aged ten years already. What the hell is going on?


Forty years ago, marriage was a sacred bond based on love, honor and respect. Companionship and trust meant something, and were cast in stone. A wife’s admiration of her husband was heartfelt, and because of her honesty, he proudly gave her security, chivalry, and good deeds. He was her provider, and she’d never dream of complaining or showing disrespect. Every issue could easily be worked out, and more often than not they stayed together for life.

Today, naïve men swing their dicks around recklessly and are blindsided by the hot little what-have-you-done-for-me-lately brides. They rush into a marriage based on false pretenses and big tits, doomed from the start. For some bizarre reason, highly intelligent, successful young men seem to be the most vulnerable candidates for approaching life by ego, instead of logic. They’re poster Childs for being an Accelerated Seduction Syndrome (ASS) victim. They live in the fast lane, competing with their frat brothers to see who can be the first to get rich quick, to get a Mercedes, and to marry the hottest trophy babe around. Fast money breeds men with little street smarts, but miles and miles of ego. They ignore the advice of dozens of friends and family who’ve already been there, because they’re smarter and better, and “it will never happen to me.” They haven’t experienced failure and pain yet, but they’ll get a crash course in a hurry.


So are you saying that she never really loved him?


The bride never loved or respected her groom; her goal was a big ceremony and life style, and he was the vehicle. It’s a miracle she even got his name right on the wedding invitations. An over pampered princess cries until her demands are met as a child, and she continues this pattered of being spoiled rotten by every adult in her life. Not getting her way is simply unacceptable. As an adult, she gets her power and kicks by seducing men. She wants constant variety. She’s restless, bored, impatient, and needs a steady stream of new boys and expensive toys to keep from whining until the veins bulge out on her forehead. Many have such a shallow ego; they are banging a fleet of guys’ right up till the vows are taken. A lot of them don’t slow down much thereafter. Let’s put it this way. If your fiancée mentions in passing that she’s a spokes model for Trojan Condoms, KY, Pocket Rocket, and Sealy Posturepedic Mattress, you may have yourself a busy little beaver…and the makings of a big busy beaver. Maybe giver her the quick test; when she unzips her fly, do you hear an echo?


Surrounded by trashy mags glamorizing extravagant weddings and bowling ball sized rings of the rich and the richer, her brain swims with jealousy to keep up with Angelina, Jessica, Britney, and reality show actresses. “If she’s bleach blonde and has bolt-on airbags, her wedding better not be bigger than mine!!” The thought of having any obligation attached to the ring never crosses her mind. The dream wedding was her pinnacle in life, as all the eyes were on me, me, me. Now it’s a fading memory. History is often our guide…the bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage. The wedding glow wears off. The excitement and attention of being a dating player has vanished. She’s jaded and pissed off to fin herself in this position, trapped at home…all dressed up and no one to blow. She actually has the nerve to rail against her husband for doing this to her. He’s forced to try and save the icy marriage by proving Chivalry at Gunpoint, armed with only a wallet and future income to prolong her feigned interest, and to weaken her constant threat of divorce. On the bright side, he probably knows a couple good attorneys. He’s going to need them.


The little string dangling out between her thighs isn’t the fuse to a bomb. Relax guys. You have plenty of time to court her before marriage. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose if you marry a girl you barely know. You have to give a relationship a few years of ups and downs to determine if you two are compatible. Unti you experience the pleasure of surviving a few imaginary emotional crisis and temper tantrums, the biological clock ticking, overdrawn credit cards, rank kitty litter boxes, farts in bed, totaled cars, warts on your dick, suicide threats, 2 am calls from Biff…you don’t know a thing about the elasticity of relationship, not to mention your own level of patience. More importantly, if you race into a marriage and don’t have asset protection set up in advance, you are DOA with a shark. What young, up-and-comers don’t realize is that shotgun weddings make them look like a fool. It plays entirely into the girl’s hand. The men don’t have the faintest idea that the cute little pampered princess has ten times your survival instincts. She has been trained for this very moment since puberty, and has a fine-tuned radar when it comes to smelling a sucker. The war was over before the battle began

Attorneys, bankers and investment brokers are notorious for this speed wedding lunacy. No wonder we live in a lawsuit happy environment. These guys to through life divorced, angry, and cash strapped. They need a steady flow of big bucks in order to make out all those huge monthly checks to blonde con artists they barely even rented. I mean some of these guys law ads scream of multiple divorces.

As for the above attorney stud in a hurry, his marriage will last maybe 30 months. After wedding cake, he’ll be rewarded with uninspired sex another dozen or so times, and then ultimately fork over a couple hundred grand, a large chunk of his 401 K, his future income, his house, his sanity, and his pride. Not a very good value. That works out to a CPF of a couple thousand bucks a lay. If that pussy doesn’t grip like a warm vise, shoot flames, elevate the bed, and turn sperm into gold, he needs to find a new vendor. Oops, it’s a tad late.