Part 63
I'm on a new section called "Survival Guides"
This subchapter is called "Danger Signals"
The following are selected danger signals to be
aware of when consorting with predatory
females. These signals will help you identify
her as predatory and warn you of impending
moves in her favor.
• She asks questions such as: "What about
us? What about our future? Where are we
going?"
• She leaves personal effects in your home.
• She thinks it's ok to shoplift.
• She calls your kitchen "my kitchen."
• Her mother is an attorney.
• She's on a first name basis with her
pharmacist.
• She has a cat.
• She has the TV schedule memorized.
• She wants to meet your family.
• She lies in bed until noon.
• She buys you clothes.
• She suggests that you leave bigger tips.
• She steals from her employer.
• She tells you how much better everything
would be if you were married to her.
• She belongs to a women's rights group.
• She chews tobacco.
• She has a tattoo.
• She parties with her friends after work
while her kids are still in day-care.
• She has a mantra.
She inquires about your will.
She gives you an ultimatum.
She is offended if you suggest going dutch.
She rearranges your kitchen or bedroom
closet.
She arrives unannounced at your home
with groceries.
She wants you to take her to church.
She introduces herself as your wife,
mistress, or fiancee.
She always wants to borrow your car.
She wants a key to your home.
She makes toll calls on your phone without
asking.
She is partial to TV dramas centered
around doctors or hospitals.
She has previously attempted suicide.
She berates you for not buying something
because "you make so much money," or
"you can afford it."
She receives payments from an ex-husband
or boyfriend.
She sneaks looks through your wallet or
other personal items.
She affects a foreign accent.
She corresponds heavily with girlfriends.
She spends a lot of time with her mother.
She wants to know your sign.
She pulls her suitcase on a little cart.
She sees an analyst.
Her mother is suing her father.
She's on a first-name basis with the piano
player at Nordstrom.
• She objects to your profanity.
• She makes frequent doctors' appointments.
• You find yourself trying to ignore things
that you don't like about her.
• She wears a rape whistle or carries mace.
• She practices karate kicks to the gonads of
a man's silhouette pinned to her bedroom
wall.
• She makes midweek luncheon dates with
you and arrives with two or three of her
secretarial friends and/or her mother.
• She gives her car a pet name.
• She hangs a "today is the first day of the
rest of your life" poster in your bathroom.
• She has "Love is ..." cartoons on her
refrigerator door.
• She has your holidays and weekends
planned without having consulted you.
• She goes into shock when you announce
plans for a weekend ski trip with your
buddies.
• She "cleans" your house, throwing out
magazines and other items objectionable to
her.
• You find yourself doing things, at her
behest, that you don't want to do.
• Her cooking ability is limited to casseroles,
lasagna, and quiche.
• Her refrigerator is full of science projects
and yours resembles a two week old church
potluck dinner.
• She has more than her share of yeast
infections.
• She wears sunglasses with small rhinestone
hearts on the lenses.
• She mentions having "invested" a certain
amount of time in a previous or current
boyfriend.
• Your bathroom wastebasket is constantly
full of wadded up tissue paper, string,
kleenex, and cardboard tubes.
• You get a lecture on gun control when she
discovers a pistol in your nightstand.
• You find her douche bag hanging in your
shower.
• She uses the words "but I'm worth it."
