The next subchapter I'm on is called "The Veteran vs. The Novitiate"
Q. The other night I was mounting a woman,
preparatory to intercourse, when suddenly I
burst out in hysterics and couldn't stop
laughing. I was struck by the absurdity of the
scene. The woman became extremely angry
and stormed out, slamming the door. I have
since been unable to take a woman seriously.
A. A vacation from predatory females is
recommended. You have battle fatigue. This
often happens. You wish you didn't know now
what you didn't know then. For you, the
phenomenon of waking in the night to a face
that is strangely and supernaturally different
from the one you went to bed with is not new.
You are no longer shocked when a girlfriend
announces that she'll be married in a month,
even though she doesn't know anyone, and a
month later—wham! She's married. You are
jaded to the fact that your own attorney
doesn't really care about your case and is sympathetic
to the opposition. The ring bolts in
the courtroom floor, used for anchoring the
scrotum stretcher dolly, are old hat to you. A
single reading of The Predatory Female will
suffice in your case, but for the neophyte, the
lamb of innocence who supports the matriarchy,
the cupcake who doesn't believe the
message in these pages, another reading is prescribed.
"With all my worldly goods I thee endow."
— Solemnization of Matrimony
Book of Common Prayer
The next subchapter I'm on is called "Deliverance"
Q. Reverend Shannon, how successful do
you think this book will be in saving its
readers from the talons of predatory females?
A. I see it as strictly a function of how much
they are willing to believe. People only believe
what they want to. Facts and reason have
never been of great importance to those caught
in the supernatural spell of a predatory female.
As we have seen, her victims become incapable
of reason. They don't want to be rescued.
They resist efforts to save them in much the
same manner that a victim of a cult religious
brainwashing resists being deprogrammed.
There is little question that the psychological
grip of a predatory female upon her prey is
worthy of Satan himself, despite evidence that
a treacherous heart and a lying tongue may be
the natural weapons of a subjagated sex.
Either way, we will never know the immeasurable
damage done by predatory females to the
families, the children, the sanity, and the
futures of those who have plunged, often with
innocent enthusiasm, into her web. Though
the truth about predatory females isn't what
everyone wants to hear, the wise will listen. To
the rest go our sympathies because, for them,
in courtrooms around the nation, the scrotum
stretchers are waiting.
"The wrath of a woman is much to dread."
— Tristram and Ysolt
"The most persistent hate is that which doth
degenerate from love."
— Map, De Nugis Curialium
"A married man is a guy walking a tightrope,
balancing dangerously while his smirking wife
and her amused friends pull and shake the
"Keeping is compromising."
— Capt. James Lockridge