Part 53
The next subchapter is called "The A Frame?"
Q. What is the A frame?
A. Near the end of the court proceedings, the
judge will motion for a bailiff to wheel in the
A frame. This medieval device, also known as
a scrotum stretcher, aids the husband in understanding
his divorce decree. The menacing
machine can be rolled across the floor on its
wooden wheels. Almost unheard of prior to
the emancipation of women, these A frames,
or scrotum stretchers, are now standard fixtures
in every divorce court. Older A frames
are heavy, cumbersome, and of no interest to
collectors unless they are one of the rare,
antique models designed originally as labia
stretchers. Only ten labia stretchers, all over
eighty years old, are known to have survived.
One sold recently at auction to an anonymous
buyer and is said to be available for rent.
Today, the use of a labia stretcher in courtrooms
is so unusual that it must be flown in
the night before by the Air Force. With the
more common, almost taken for granted scrotum
stretchings in todays courts, it isn't unusual
for the judge to order the husband to
pull in the A frame himself, struggling and
groaning, while wearing a leather harness designed
specifically for the task. The humiliated
husband must then wait while the bailiff
anchors the supporting dolly to ringbolts in
the floor. Predatory females love this performance
and gloat with anticipation. Recently
the practice has been slightly abated,
however, with the introduction of the newer,
lightweight aluminum A frames. The stretching
is the husband's introduction to his new
status in life: A Human Pop-Up Target.
Whenever she pushes the buzzer, he automatically
clangs into position. She may then fire
at will.
The Next Subchapter I'm on is called "Welcome Home"
Q. I spent five years as a P.O. W. in Vietnam,
hanging upside down on a meat hook. Despite
the beatings and torture, I made it home,
married, and purchased a new home. Now, in
her divorce suit against me, my wife is claiming
half the money I earned in Vietnam—as a
P.O.W.!
A. It appears you "commingled" your Vietnam
pay when you bought the new house.
This "commingling" is a popular term for
the legal profession's method of increasing
awards to divorcing wives. Incidentally,
there's a new law, passed by Congress, giving
the previously sacrosanct military retirements
to ex-wives. They've even established a national
hotline in Washington that a veteran's
ex-spouse can call, free of charge, and determine
what percentage of his retirement she's
now entitled to.
Q. Will it ever end?
A. Marriage, being the only offense for
which you may be tried continuously, dictates
that its ferocious punitive aspects should
never be underestimated. Years after your
divorce, you may be repeatedly hauled into
court under the spectre of fines, jail, and
seizure of wages and property. These suits
may also be instituted under the names of
your children (possibly at the prodding of
your ex-wife) as separate litigants!
The next subchapter I'm on is called "No Satisfaction"
Q. The judge cleaned me out, gave my wife
everything in the divorce, and now she grumbles
about having been short changed. How
do you explain that?
A. The predatory female is never satisfied
with her blessings. She always wants more.
When the judge began bestowing money and
property on her, he became, in a sense, her
new benefactor replacing you. Now the resentment
and ingratitude formerly reserved
for her husband may also be directed at the
judge. The predatory female traditionally
bites the hand that feeds her. She is capable of
lashing out at you, the judge, your attorney,
her attorney, your family, her new husband or
boyfriend, and legions of others for years to
come.
