The next subchapter I'm on is called "Custodial Case"
Q. Should newly divorced men avoid making
big decisions for awhile?
A. It takes at least one year to convalesce
from the A frame. Performance at full mental
capacity is not normally possible after a
scrotum stretching. One tends to make mistakes
that later seem preposterous. After a
divorce, huge financial blunders aren't common
because normally there isn't any money
left to squander. Emotional blunders are,
however, quite prevalent. Charging into the
ring with another female, desperately trying
to fill a vacuum, is always a tragic mistake.
The next subchapter I'm on is called "Haggling"
Q. How does the new girlfriend get along
with the ex-wife?
A. This can be one of the more interesting
scenarios for observing predatory females.
Competition for a man's paychecks, property,
and other goods and chattels can be
violent. Imagine a cartoon with two witches
going at it tooth and nail, changing each other
into hop toads, slinging fireballs, transforming
themselves into dragons, snakes, and
wolverines. This battle of the dinosaurs may
last for years while the man meekly submits
his paycheck to a gnashing and tearing between
"Men are nothing but grab bags for
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
The next subchapter I'm on is called "Lifeline"
Q. I wish I had this book before I got married.
My ex-wife, a Sloan Ranger, is so mean that I
avoid her at all costs.
A. Yes, this field guide could have kept your
balls off the damp grass. But at least you seem
to have learned a basic rule about ex-wives: No
kindness from you will ever go unpunished.
The next subchapter I'm on is called "Let it Rest"
Q. Rev. Shannon, do you have any comments
for divorced women?
A. Only to quote the immortal words of
"Stir not the embers with the sword."