The next subchapter I'm on is called "The Cow bird Syndrome"
Q. Recently a friend arrived home for dinner
to find his wife and children already eating
and no place set for him. Upon inquiry, his
wife pointed to his dinner which had been
placed on the floor. Sure enough, his meal
was lumped into a dog food dish next to the
laundry room. He indignantly placed the dog
food dish on the table and began eating his
dinner. His wife immediately arose and
whisked the dog food dish back to the floor.
This entire performance took place in front of
his children. He moved out the following day.
A. This is a manifestation of the cowbird
syndrome. The cowbird allows her mate to
spend hours building a nest before she flies up
to inspect. If she doesn't approve, she tears
the nest apart and throws it to the ground.
The mate is forced to start all over again while
she sits around haughtily chirping at him. She
may throw the nest down several times. If he
finally pleases her, it's at the expense of
most of his strength and all of his dignity.
Husbands finding their belongings thrown out
on the front lawn, the locks changed on their
homes, or court orders forbidding their return
home are all victims of the cowbird syndrome.
Q. Reverend Shannon, are you totally opposed
to marriage under any circumstances?
A. I simply believe the real rules of the game
should be made public, perhaps taught in
school, so that everyone is made aware of the
horrendous drawbacks to holy matrimony.
After all, there is nothing more American,
more patriotic, than a demand to give both
sides a fair hearing. It's time to tear open the
shutters, break down the chained doors to
Castle Dracula where the marital vampire
sleeps, and crack the conspiracy of silence.
The next subchapter is called "Etreme Unction"
Q. Why do married men often seem more desperate
for sex than single men?
A. The stale relationship at home combined
with a lowered self-esteem (from being trapped
in a legal and financial disaster: marriage)
puts his ego on the line. He therefore works
very hard to get laid. Women may prefer a
married man because he will snivel and cater
more than a single one, at least in the short
run. Eventually, however, she will begin to
sandpaper the end of his peepee and the "M"
word will come up, giving him a decision to
make. Either way, he gets his balls whacked
with a brickbat. Being married is like having
your foot caught in a bear trap: You must saw
off the foot; the longer you wait, the higher up
your leg you must saw.